I can be happy
I can be loved
Even thought I am jaded.
Learning To Thrive, instead of just Surviving
This place is me at my most ME.
I’m tired of compartmentalizing myself to not offend people- On social media, in my neighborhood, with the local art community, around certain family.
This is me… the real me…
I say fuck often. I’m totally ok with that, in fact I LIKE it.
FUCK,frick,frack and variations of it are my favorite words! And, fuck you if you are offended. I’m not looking for your approval.
I’ve lived this life for 42 years and I have SURVIVED some serious.fucking.shit.
So, yeah… I’m jaded.
But I have a heart of gold (that often gets me hurt). I’m not bragging, it hurts. My husband tells me it is my greatest trait, and my worst. I see the good in people before I see the bad- I give more chances than maybe I should be willing to give.
But, I have also been given more chances that maybe… I should not have been given- like in love, with my husband of almost 19 years.
I often wonder who would I be today if he had not given me a 2nd, 3rd, 4th…infinite second chances?!
So, I give them too- Because… I’m an optimist.
Sometimes it gets me walked on… which makes me a little more jaded again… but, I’m not bitter.
Ok, maybe sometimes I can be bitter. Can’t we all? It sucks to be shit on.
But, I can be happy… even when things are going to shit!
Depression is a liar,
Anxiety is an asshole
& Shame is a shithead
I AM happy, because I chose it- over and over again, between the shit storms of life.
I cultivate joy in my life daily.
I dance, I sing, I laugh…everyday.
I bitch and complain and get it off my chest- Then I go back to choosing happy.
BTW, did you know you CAN be happy even if you are a complainer… in fact-it is kind of essential to being happy!!
Ask Brene Brown! She has 14 years of research data backing that up! I read her books to find out how to find joy in life… only to find out I was already doing that stuff that cultivates joy and happiness, and not giving it the value it deserved. Simply because I thought happy people don’t bitch as much as I do- As often as I do!! Turns out… they do! huh!
I am not a jump for literal joy kinda person…
People who are literal, jump for joy, happy dancing kinda people make me uncomfortable when they are doing it around me. I think it is great THEY do that! I love WATCHING them… but me… nope. nuh un… I don’t do that!
When you are always told to stop crying or you’ll be given something to cry about, as a kid- You learn to hide your sad and your mad.
When you are told you are not being “ladylike” by twirling in joy in your new frilly dress- Or told you are being “too girly” by a person with baggage who wants you to not be too noticeable to potential abusers lurking around every corner in her imagination… you shun the color pink, and sparkly butterfly stickers on your grade 7 english binder.
When everyone comments on how you talk too much, and always have an antidote or story to share for a situation, since as young as you can remember- You start shutting up.
You don’t get excited openly over much, and you act indifferent- About everything.
You don’t skip anymore, or laugh too loud. Or do imaginary gymnastics routines on your lawn at 11 years old. You learn to shut up, blend in, and not have an open opinion.
Isn’t that shitty!!!?
You live those rules for so long, that now it feels kinda scary and weird, stupid and silly to squee over cute shoes, or even like wearing dresses, never mind feeling sexy in them for fear of being judged.
You live those rules for so long, that even at 41, it feels awkward to make a post on FB about the gel pens you REALLY wanted- that your husband bought you on amazon as a surprise- even though your inner self really really wants to just jump about like a 12 year old.
When you are taught to shut down joy- when you shut that feeling down deep inside you… it slowly chokes your soul until it is a crying, depressed, anxiety ridden- tiny little jade green rock in the pit of your stomach, or lump in your throat.
Fuck That Shit!
I love stuff and people, and places- LIKE, A LOT!
But I am a quiet lover.
I like dancing in the rain, and the smell of the pavement right after it stops- and eating raspberries right off the bush.
I love watching ants, and picking daisies, and I totally dig deep inspirational quotes on art or pretty pictures (Fuck you if you think they are lame.)
I love clean sheets and hot showers, and when my husband’s bum touches mine under the sheets- when we are back to back, half asleep in the darkness of the night. mmmmmm that.is.bliss!
I love flowery stationary and empty pretty journals, and pens that write nice, and old book stores where I can sniff a old book’s crack when I open it up.
I have favourite trees in the county that I live, and I cried the day one of mine fell from a lightning storm. I stopped the car and got out. I stood where that tree was now laying on the ground and said goodbye and thanked it for it’s beauty. Then I took some of the bark home with me and put it on my fireplace mantle.
I think naked winter trees in the dusk against a dark blue winter sky are beautiful, sexy even. It is one of the best parts of winter for me.
I talk to the moon. I love lady bugs, and I take home a rock from the beach every time I’m there.
I look up at the stars… every night. Sappy songs on the radio make me cry and I love that kind of crying.
I love colorful art and circles in abstracts, and the color green in most every shade.( not baby shit green though)
I love watching big puffy clouds in the clear blue sky on a hot summer day while I float in the lake. A moment of zen
I talk to the bumble bees who pollinate the blossoms on the cherry tree in my back yard in the spring.
I love to create, for the sake of creating. I love zen tangles and watercolor and acrylic and I need to art shit to fill my heart and feel centered in life, even if it sucks. Even if no one else loves it… If I go to long without arting, I get cranky.
I love playing the guitar and singing for people. it makes me happy. It makes me even happier when it makes them happy.
But…. not many people know this stuff about me… because I am a quiet lover of things, and I do/have done most of these things when I am alone.
I’m trying to say FUCK THAT SHIT to this, and be more openly joyful about stuff and things. Sigh… it IS a process.
In the last 2 years Iève gotten better with this..but it is an ongoing journey.
It should not be an act of bravery to show your soul to the world!
I try to live my life with a Buddhist mindset ( dogma free)… but I’m human and I’m pretty sure I’ll be back again to learn more shit in my next life. yeah i have a potty mouth at time. I do know how to rein it in when needed, I am not a total redneck.
This ain’t my first rodeo… and it won’t be my last.
But, while I’m here in this life, I’m striving to learn lessons in this one too-The things that keep showing up in this life, and I have yet to learn the lesson.
So, I am documenting it here. For me, with far too many …’s and run on sentences. (Hey, I have adhd and dyslexia, and everyone always told me I could not be a writer! Well, Fuck THAT shit! I’m doing it anyway.)
But also…as well as for myself… I’m sharing this for some people I care about. So, If you gather anything from this as well… that would bring me joy.
To the women
…Who’s beauty I see behind the jadedness… your want of joy, and happiness, and the struggles to have it that I recognize…
My love… that happiness you seek, it is not a destination. It is a journey!
I finally figured out at LEAST that much!
So, I have decided to share that stuff, and my heart and thoughts here as I learn other stuff… to be brave and bare my soul- Even at the risk of criticism from close minded critics, of which I am not unfamiliar.
Along with whatever comes bubbling up from my heart, I’ll share other’s motivational shit I like, and my art, and maybe my silly haiku, even. Because I HAVE to!
My heart demands it, and my soul needs the healing.
If that resonates with you… I’d love if you came along this walk with me.
If it doesn’t… that’s totally ok!
Do what you want for YOU!!!
THAT- is the point, Dear Jaded One!
You are not on this earth this go round- to worry about what other people think of you.
Fuck THAT shit. Be YOU. Focus on the people who love you no matter what.
“If they love me or hate me… it’s none of my concern.”
Just say it… out loud, or just in your head… until your heart hears it too.
I’m choosing happiness.
I’m choosing me.
I’m choosing joy
Because, to be remarkably wholehearted, with unbridled enthusiasm in this cynical world, is what it takes to live in happiness.
Fuck that cynical shit!
Be the Amazing that you are!
~The Jaded Optimist